I had covid once, in April 2022 I think, and I had restless leg syndrome for the first time in my life during that infection. It was EXTREMELY uncomfortable - I couldn't sleep properly, and I mostly couldn't feel comfortable at all sitting up, but I also could not stop moving my legs almost constantly. I think I settled on weakly bicycling them. But since the rest of my symptoms approximated a severe flu, it also sort of blended into the background nightmare and I don't remember it very clearly.

That was the first time I ever had RLS, and I only know the name because I was googling the symptom at the time. Apparently it was a known symptom of that variant, or that's what the net told me at the time.

Well, I just had it for the SECOND time ever last night!

I fell asleep at midnight, and I guess I was awake with physical discomfort, verging on actual pain, from about 2 am to 7 am when I got up to give the cats their breakfast. It was a bit like the discomfort of a limb that's going to cramp or go to sleep in a bad position, but moving only eased it for a moment, so I was tossing and turning and only managed to sleep fitfully once during that, dreaming that I had RLS. After I fed the cats at 7 I microwaved a wheat pillow and when I went back to bed I put it on my thighs, which enabled me to fall asleep finally. Then, of course, I overslept.

Wax says that she gets RLS sometimes, but a mild version that doesn't bother her as much, and that it's apparently a known symptom of menopause?! Wow, I hate that.

And like so many problems, unfortunately, the most effective recommendations for managing it are all stuff like regular good sleep hygiene and good exercise habits, and it's like yeah I know, I'm TRYING! That, and maybe iron might help.

I failed the driving test in apparently one of the most common ways to do it: no major errors except that the engine died at an intersection and I got flustered and failed to restart it so many times that the test administrator had to gently coach me through even though we both knew I knew what to do. I was fully aware that I was releasing the clutch too fast, but I just could not slow down no matter how I tried. Until she gently and calmly told me when in her coaching voice, of course, and that worked right away.

We sat there three light cycles. It was like something out of a sitcom. The test administrator was very nice about it; and apart from the embarrassment, I don't feel that bad about it, and I think I'll be okay when I retake it in three weeks.

§§§

However.

It's very frustrating to be told that you just need to calm down or relax, as a person with anxiety disorders. I don't mean it's insensitive or anything, just that it's frustrating because I already knew that and have been trying very hard to, but it's not working very well, because there's nothing that does work very reliably that I can do.

I can't take a tranquilizer. I can't magically make myself extremely familiar with the entire context/place/situation/people. I can't exercise vigorously right before because it takes longer to travel to Turku than it does for endorphins to fade (and I'd have to have time to go home and shower and dress even before the hour commute). I can tell myself everything's going well and it's not an emergency and I should chill; I can tense up all my muscles and then release and do those breath patterns that help lower your heartbeat; and I can listen to music that I find comforting. That's really it. It's got limited effectiveness.

But importantly, the bus ride is already stressful enough for me to need to do those things much of the time because I have a severe perfume allergy and am hypersensitive to perfumes, and typically there is at least one (physically) irritating perfume experience in over 90% of bus rides that I take. It's not often possible to come out of one centered and relaxed and refreshed, even if I logically know that the risk of anaphylaxis was low!

Probably it would still be hard to relax without the bus trip, though.

I have been thinking about the ADHD struggle, and I decided I should buy the Barkley book on adult ADHD and also a copy of How To Keep House While Drowning; I added them to my cart at the online bookstore, then didn't order them because I didn't have the executive function to do that yet. I found some potential replacements for the charger of my laptop that just broke as well, but didn't manage to finish comparing them and decide.

Other stuff I need to do and have been unable to start includes:( Read more... )

I think a lot of what's blocking me from several of these things in the last month, anyway, is that they feel like projects that require planning and stamina, but so much of my bandwidth has been going to anxiety about the driving test (two days from now) that there wasn't space. This is extremely normal for me and obviously a fallacy, but I guess I've been feeling like the time until the test was mostly short enough that I should just try to minimize anxiety and worry about all the other stuff after. And I didn't want to take my adhd meds in between.